A parody to end all parodies
by almost-gravity
Summary: Oh no! Looks like an average joe... or is he The One?... must team up with a witch, a pirate, a knight, a jedi, a secret agent, and four hobbits to find nemo, regain a mojo, and save Middle Earth! Join them as they conquer all dangers imaginable.
1. All a dream

A Parody to End All Parodies  
  
Disclaimer: George Orwell's dead. I don't know who owns his stuff but I sure don't.  
  
Chapter One:  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Are you okay, Winston?" asked Julia.  
  
"Oh, God. I can't believe that was all a dream..."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"They were here...watching us. In this room. There was a telescreen behind this picture." Winston tore the painting off the wall just to find a couple of cobwebs on the old bricks.  
  
"What else happened?"  
  
"There was a man in a chair. His back was facing me and he was with his servant and a snake. And...ah!" Winston put his hand to his forehead in pain.  
  
"Is it your scar, Winston?"  
  
"No. I have a headache."  
  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Julia.  
  
"I don't know. What are you thinking?"  
  
"You go first."  
  
"No. You."  
  
"Oh, whatever! I think it was 'You-Know-Who' in your dream."  
  
"No way!"  
  
"Way!"  
  
"You're the cleverest witch of your age!"  
  
"Winston?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm not a witch."  
  
"Oh...sorry. My bad."  
  
They sat there for awhile, not saying anything. Then Julia asked, "Winston, what was 'You-Know-Who' talking about in your dream?"  
  
"He was plotting to kill... someone."  
  
"Is there any chance that this someone could possibly have been... you?"  
  
"A very good chance. Have I told you you're the cleverest witch of your age?"  
  
"Have I told you I'm not a witch?"  
  
"Oh...sorry. My bad."  
  
"You do know what this means don't you?"  
  
"No. What?"  
  
"We have to stop him before it's too late!"  
  
"But how?"  
  
"I have a plan..."  
  
A/N- And so ends the first chapter of A Parody to End All Parodies. If you review this, please do not tell me that it's stupid. I already know that. That is the point of a parody: stupidity. If you want to read something serious go read 1984.  
  
And please tell me any other stories you wish me to use in this. (Besides the obvious 1984, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings). So long for now. 


	2. We must save Middle Earth

Chapter Two:  
  
Disclaimer: "Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "I" "I who?" "I still don't own any of this!"  
  
A/N- Thanks for the review, Volinde. I can definitely do that (Yay for A Knight's Tale!)  
  
"You have a plan?"  
  
"Yes. My plan is to stop him!"  
  
"Well I knew that, but how?"  
  
"I will tell you when the time comes. But first let me see that ring on your finger."  
  
"What? My wedding ring?" Julia nodded. Winston was now extremely confused. He nodded and pretended that he had some idea what was going on. He handed Julia the ring. She threw it into the fireplace. "What are you doing?" yelled Winston.  
  
"Are you that attached to it?"  
  
"Well it was kind of expensive..."  
  
"You're so cheap, Winston." She took the ring out of the fireplace. It was flashing in neon-green letters 'If flashing, you've been selected to save the world!' "That's what I thought!" exclaimed Julia. "I'll be back." And with that she climbed out the window, jumped onto her white horse, and rode off into the night.  
  
"Oh, great!" said Winston to himself. "Now I'm all alone. I guess I'll just sit here and wait until Julia gets back and pretend to have a life...  
  
Meanwhile  
  
"Julia, Julia, Julia!" said a familiar voice.  
  
"Jack Sparrow?" Julia asked.  
  
"I have been looking all over Middle-Earth for you... with the occasional stop for rum. But anyways, I'm so happy I've found you!"  
  
"Well what's wrong?"  
  
"It's absolutely horrible. I can't believe I did it. It is the worst misfortune to ever fall upon this world."  
  
"Oh my god! What's happened?"  
  
"It's Nemo! I can't find him!"  
  
"No! How could you? Jack, this is unacceptable. You are the worst pirate I've ever heard of!"  
  
"But you have heard of me."  
  
"I'm your cousin."  
  
"Right. I forgot that little detail...But we must find Nemo!" All of the sudden someone knocked on the door. Jack walked up to the door and opened it. Standing there was a short English man wearing a ridiculous, purple velvet jumpsuit.  
  
"Yeah, baby! Yeah!" he shouted with a grin.  
  
"Who the bloody hell are you?!" Jack screamed.  
  
"Austin Powers is the name, baby. Don't wear it out!"  
  
"I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Powers, but unless you have any rum I'm going to have you ask you to leave my house."  
  
"But Jack, baby, I've got something better than rum."  
  
"Do you then?"  
  
"Yeah, baby! I can help you find Nemo, but..."  
  
"You know where Nemo is?" demanded Julia.  
  
"Of course! He's being held captive by the evil Lord Voldemort a.k.a. You- Know-Who, baby, in the cracks of Mt. Doom!"  
  
"And how do we get him back?" asked Jack.  
  
"Well my buddy, Voldie... he's really a good guy you know. But sometimes he can be a little evil if you know what I mean, baby. So in exchange for Nemo, he wants Winston's magic ring so he can conquer Middle Earth!"  
  
"Hey Austin?"  
  
"Yeah, baby! What?"  
  
"Why do you care?"  
  
"That son of a bitch stole my mojo, baby! Dr. Evil is a deatheater!" And with that he burst into tears.  
  
Meanwhile  
  
Winston didn't know what to do. He was just sitting in the room above the antique shop wallowing in his misery when a knock came upon the door. Not feeling up to a visitor he shouted, "We're not home right now." Then he realized how stupid he sounded. He gave up all hope of avoiding the person at his door. So he sighed and swung the door open.  
  
There stood a man decked out in full knight's armour. He had wavy blond hair and blue eyes. In fact, he looked rather like a movie star. Winston was stunned. "Who are you?" he asked.  
  
"My name is William Thatcher."  
  
"And what brings you here?"  
  
"Well you see, I was following my feet and my feet ended up here."  
  
"Alright then... Then why are you dressed like a knight and what on earth are you holding?"  
  
"It's called a lance. Hello! Haven't you ever been jousting before?"  
  
"Er... no. But Julia is always telling me how much I need a hobby. Maybe I'll take it up. What is it?"  
  
"You've never even heard of it? Oh my God!"  
  
"Well what is it."  
  
"It's when two people try to knock the other one off their horse with lances! It's extremely fun. Let's go! I'll teach you how." Winston put on his coat and was ready to walk out the door when he remembered the dream about You-Know-Who and the One Ring.  
  
"I'm sorry William, but I don't think I can right now."  
  
"Why not? Nothing is more important than jousting!"  
  
"Well my magic wedding ring was flashing and said that I need to save the world. So I need to keep waiting for Julia to get back."  
  
"Can't I come save the world with you?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Pretty please?"  
  
"No! You think you can do these things, Nemo, but you can't!"  
  
"Who on earth is Nemo?"  
  
"Oh, he's Julia's pet goldfish. Her cousin Jack Sparrow has it now."  
  
"So is that why I can't help you save the world?"  
  
"No. You can come if you want to..."  
  
"Hooray!"  
  
"Yeah, whatever. Now we must wait for Julia to come back."  
  
"Okay. Then can we joust?"  
  
"Erm... sure."  
  
"Hooray!"  
  
A/N- Okay. There's chapter two. Please R/R and Chapter 3 will be here soon.  
  
Please request any phrases or stories that you wish me to use and I will (if I have heard of it). Thanks for reading. 


	3. Munchkins and a Ferrari

Disclaimer- Believe it or not, I still don't own 1984, Harry Potter, LOTR, POTC, Finding Nemo, Austin Powers, A Knight's Tale, Ferris Beuler's Day Off, The Wizard of Oz, The Wiz, or anything else I decide to use in my Parody.  
  
A/N- I'm sorry for anyone who thinks I made William sound gay or romantically interested in Winston in any way. He isn't but Ed has made me swear that I wouldn't bring Jocelyn into the story because she believes that she is going to marry William someday. But he is not gay. I promise.  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Julia looked at Jack and Austin skeptically. "Sorry guys, but the thought of us letting Voldemort and Dr. Evil take over the world just seems like a bad idea."  
  
"Well do you have a better one?" asked Jack.  
  
"No," sighed Julia.  
  
"I think I might, baby," said Austin.  
  
"What is it?" Julia asked.  
  
"Why don't we use the Ring to stop them!"  
  
Jack rolled his eyes. "What a bad idea! Don't you people learn? Boromir was a git like you but thankfully you have me to stop you."  
  
"Alright, baby. Whatever you say."  
  
"I have an idea!" said Julia.  
  
"What is it?" demanded Jack.  
  
"We must destroy all evil in this world!"  
  
"How the blazes do you intend to do that, Julia?!" said Jack.  
  
"Yeah, that's not a small feat, baby."  
  
"We must destroy the One Ring!" she said with much enthusiasm.  
  
"That's bloody brilliant!" exclaimed Jack. "But how do we do that?"  
  
"We throw it in the fires of Mt. Doom, Voldemort's secret lair."  
  
"You're so smart, baby."  
  
"Er... thanks, Austin."  
  
"Hey, Julia?"  
  
"Yes, Jack."  
  
"We need a ride."  
  
"I know, baby!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"We can use that Ferrari over there!"  
  
"Maybe. Who's is it?"  
  
"It's my little sister's, baby!"  
  
"You're little sister?"  
  
"Yeah, baby. Her name's Grace." He cupped his hand over his mouth and shouted, "Grace...Grace...GRACE!"  
  
All of the sudden a teen-age girl walked out of nowhere. "Hey Austin, baby!"  
  
"Give your older brother a kiss." Her and Austin snog for nearly 30 seconds.  
  
Jack leaned closer to Julia and whispered, "So that's how it is in their family."  
  
"Can I use your car, baby?" Austin asked her.  
  
"Of course," she said, "Just don't get to many miles on it or I'll kill you. Ciao, baby!" And with that she vanished into this air.  
  
"Well that was easy," said Jack.  
  
"Yeah, let's go. But we need to pick up Winston first."  
  
"Alright." And the three of them got in the Ferrari. Austin was about to drive off when he realized that he hadn't the faintest idea how to get to where Winston was. "Julia, baby... how do we get to Winston?"  
  
"He's in the room above the antique shop."  
  
"Well how do I get there, baby?"  
  
"Well... you just... I... er... I have no idea."  
  
"Then how did you get here?" asked Jack.  
  
"I followed my feet."  
  
"Right. You're insane."  
  
All of the sudden hundreds of squeaky voices began singing.  
  
"What's that?" asked Julia.  
  
"I don't know," said Jack.  
  
"They're munchkins, baby," said Austin.  
  
"Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road! You're off to see the wizard, the evil dark lord in Mt. Doom! So just follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road..." As they continued singing a yellow road appeared under them.  
  
"Well, that was easy," commented Jack.  
  
"All you do is walk along this road until you get to the antique shop. We'll give you more help once you get there!" a squeaky voice exclaimed.  
  
"Do we have to walk?" asked Austin, looking at the Ferrari.  
  
"Well," began another squeaky voice, "I suppose you could eeeeaaassssseeee."  
  
"Ease?" asked the three in unison.  
  
The voices of the little munchkins all changed into the voices of soul singers and they began a new song, "Come on and ease on down, ease on down the road. Come on and ease on down, ease on down the road. Don't you carry nothing that might be a load come on and ease on down, ease on down the road.  
  
"Pick your right foot up, when your left foot's down. Come on, let's keep moving. Don't you lose no ground..." and they continued to sing.  
  
"Well, I really appreciate being taught how to walk by a bunch of soul- singing midgets!" retorted Jack.  
  
"Let's drive, baby!" said Austin.  
  
The voices of the munchkins changed back to their usual squeaky sound and they repeated, "You're off to see the wizard, the evil dark lord in Mt. Doom!"  
  
Austin stepped on the gas and the three drove off on the yellow brick road...  
  
A/N- Thanks for everyone who reviewed (and for not flaming me). I'm updating as quickly as possible. R/R!  
  
Btw, if you read this and thought 'What a load of shit, this girl is just retarded' then read my other story called One Week. It's HP and more serious/romantic/etc. Remus falls for Petunia (I'm pretending she used to be pretty and somewhat normal) but the ending's pretty sad and explains a lot in my opinion. But if you like this story don't read One Week. I think it's a little dull but w/e...  
  
À suivre... lulu 


	4. An added bonus

Disclaimer- Isn't this getting redundant? Well, w/e. I do not own: 1984 Harry Potter LOTR POTC Finding Nemo Austin Powers A Knight's Tale Ferris Beuler's Day Off The Wizard of Oz The Wiz Anything else I decide to use in my Parody  
  
Okay now that we have that established...  
  
Chapter Four  
  
"BEEEEP! BEEEEP!"  
  
"What on Earth is that?" said Winston.  
  
"Dunno." William and Winston had been playing Slapjack on the floor of the Antique Shop out of sheer boredom. Winston walked over and stuck his head out the window to see Julia, Jack Sparrow, and Austin Powers in a Ferrari.  
  
"We'll be down in one second!" he shouted.  
  
"What does he mean we?" asked Jack.  
  
"He's a skitso, baby!" said Austin.  
  
"No he isn't," rebutted Julia as Winston walked out with William (A/N- They aren't gay!) They got into the car and sat down.  
  
"Where do we go from here?" asked Winston.  
  
"We need to destroy the One Ring by throwing it in the fires of Mt. Doom, Voldemort's secret lair."  
  
William winced. "Don't say the name!" he begged.  
  
"Oh, sorry. 'You-Know-Who's' secret lair. Then we can find Nemo!"  
  
"And get my mojo back, baby!"  
  
"Well, what about destroying all evil?" asked Jack.  
  
"I see that as an added bonus," responded Julia.  
  
"Then can we joust?" asked William.  
  
"Uh...sure," said Winston.  
  
"But first- how do we get to Mt. Doom?" asked Winston  
  
"We don't know. The munchkins got us here..." said Julia.  
  
"Yeah, baby! And they said they'd give us further instructions," said Austin.  
  
"You aren't serious, are you?" asked William.  
  
All of the sudden, four little munchkins walked out of nowhere. "Greetings," said the first one, "we are here to help you with your quest."  
  
"Great!" Jack exclaimed. "How do we get to Mt. Doom?"  
  
Just then an extremely tall man with long, black hair and pointed ears emerged from behind the hobbits. "How the bloody hell do you keep doing that?" yelled Jack.  
  
"I was hiding behind the munchkins the whole time. I am Elrond, lord of the elves. What you must do to find Nemo and get Austin's mojo back is-"  
  
"What about destroying all evil and saving Middle Earth?" asked Jack.  
  
"Well, I just see that as an added bonus," explained Elrond. "But you must form a fellowship and face all the dangers of Middle Earth together..."  
  
"Okay... how many people do we need in the fellowship?" asked Julia.  
  
"Er... nine. That's my lucky number! Since you only have five, I'll lend you four munchkins: Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. They'll hinder you more than they'll help you. But don't worry. You'll still get the job done." Then he vanished into thin air.  
  
"How does he keep doing that?!" asked Jack.  
  
"I don't know..." said Julia. "But we'd better get moving or else we won't have time for breakfast."  
  
"But what about second breakfast?" asked Pippin.  
  
"What?" asked Jack.  
  
"Don't think he knows about that, Pip," said Merry.  
  
"But- but- what about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? He knows about them... right?"  
  
"Now I know what Elrond meant when he said you would hinder more than help..."  
  
A/N- Sorry for the short chapter... I'll make a longer one next time but I'm short on writing time... R&R, people! 


	5. Fantana Oracles

Disclaimer- I'm getting tired of writing all the various things that I don't own, so I'm going to make it all one word: 1984harrypotterlordoftheringspiratesofthecarribeanfindingnemoaustinpowersakn ightstaleferrisbeullersdayoffthewizardofozthewizthematrixthesoundofmusicmary poppinsorthefantanas. Okay. Now that we know this... (like we didn't already?)  
  
Chapter Five:  
  
"Well the first thing we need to do is find the Oracle," said Julia.  
  
"How is it that she knows everything?" exclaimed Jack.  
  
"Here," she said. "You can borrow this." She pulled out a book entitled Saving Middle Earth for Dummies.  
  
"Brilliant!" said Jack. He opened up and read aloud, "Chapter One: Seeing the Oracle." He finished reading the instructions in the first chapter and looked up at the others.  
  
"But how do we get there?" asked William.  
  
"We'll fly," said Julia.  
  
"I'm sorry, Julia, but none of us have broomsticks, so unless you expect us to sprout little wings and fly away, it looks as if that's not an option," said Winston, seeming rather annoyed.  
  
"Look," she said as she pointed into the sky.  
  
Winston said, "Julia! That's a brilliant idea!"  
  
"I don't see anything..." said the others in turn.  
  
"I know!" said Merry. "It's those creepy thestral things again, isn't it? The ones you can only see if you've seen someone snuff it?"  
  
"No," began Julia, "It's –"  
  
"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" said a voice as a woman descended from the sky with an umbrella.  
  
"Wicked!" said Jack.  
  
"Amazing," muttered Julia.  
  
"Unbelievable!" said Winston.  
  
"Yeah, baby!" smiled Austin.  
  
"Hooray!" exclaimed William.  
  
And then Sam said, "Wiggity Wack!" All five of them and the woman who had floated in on her umbrella stared at him. "'Tis a word in the language of munchkins!" he said.  
  
"Er...okay," said the woman.  
  
"Who are you?" asked all nine at once.  
  
"My name is Mary Poppins," she said, "I am here to help you reach the Oracle and to remind you to take your medicine."  
  
"But none of us are sick!" exclaimed Frodo.  
  
"Well, you must take your medicine like good little children anyways," she said as she pulled out a small brown bottle and a spoon. Music started playing in the background and Mary Poppins began singing, "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down..." As she sang she forced medicine into all the munchkins, Jack, William, Julia, and Winston. When she was done, she looked at them, smiling. "Now about that Oracle..."  
  
"We know how to get there," said Jack, patting Saving Middle Earth for Dummies. "But we need to know how to get there!"  
  
"That made no sense, Winston!" said Julia.  
  
"Oh, I understood it," said Mary Poppins, "You know the directions, but you need means of transportation."  
  
"How did she get that out of that?" Julia asked the others.  
  
"Exactly!" said Winston.  
  
"You can take my umbrella," Mary Poppins said.  
  
"Not to be rude," began Winston, "but isn't it too small for us?"  
  
"No," she said, pulling out a wand and tapping it once and muttered the word 'portus' (A/N- Sorry, I've read the books wayy too many times) "This is a Portkey. Everyone put a body part on the umbrella," -they did- "and you will be off in three... two... one." She smiled at them and waved good-bye.  
  
Before they knew it they were standing in the middle of a deserted London street. "Stupid girl!" exclaimed Winston, "she's led us into the middle of nowhere!" He kicked a rock down the street in anger."  
  
"No," began Jack, opening Saving Middle Earth for Dummies, "This is it. Now we need to go into that telephone booth over there." The all ran over and crammed inside. "Now somebody dial 'six, two, four, four, two'." Julia did.  
  
A cool female voice came out of nowhere and said, "Welcome to the Oracle. Please state your name and business."  
  
"Winston Smith, Julia (A/N- does anyone really know her last name?), Jack Sparrow, Austin Powers, William Thatcher, Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took. We're here to save Middle Earth."  
  
Nine badges came out of the chute. Winston picked up the stack and looked at the first badge. It said:  
  
Winston Smith Rescue Mission  
  
"Visitor to the Oracle, please pin this badge to the front of your robes. You will be required to submit to a search at the front desk which is located at the far right corner of the Atrium."  
  
"Fine. Whatever," said Winston. The telephone booth began to move downwards into a room filled with bright light.  
  
All of the sudden they heard four female voices begin to sing, "Wanta Fanta? Don't you wanta? Wanta Fanta?"  
  
"Er... no." said Winston. "We're here to see the Oracle, actually."  
  
"You nine look like a disaster, drink a Fanta! Faster, faster!" they sang.  
  
"No thanks," repeated Winston.  
  
"But- but-," said a blonde Fantana wearing all yellow holding a pineapple Fanta, "You must want a Fanta...don't you?"  
  
"No. We came to see the Oracle."  
  
"But we are the Oracle, silly!" said a Fantana wearing all purple with a grape flavoured Fanta.  
  
"You're the Oracle?" he asked, disbelieving.  
  
"Of course!" said the girl wearing all red with a strawberry drink.  
  
Then the last one, wearing all orange with an orange drink said, "We saw you coming." She pointed down to a piece of paper on the desk, "Now have a Fanta, and we'll get to business."  
  
A/N- Sorry for not updating for so long... I've tried several times but there have been really bed lightning storms in our area and the internets been down for awhile. This is the first chance I've had to add a new chapter. But then again, no one reviewed! I just assume no one has read it... R/R, please!!! 


	6. The One, The Two, and The Prophecy

Disclaimer- I own the bloody plot!  
  
A/N- I think I'm going to move this story to the Harry Potter section. It seems to get read a lot more... and there's a lot of it in the plot.  
  
Chapter Six  
  
"So...wanta Fanta?" said Kiki (the orange one).  
  
"Oh, sure," sighed Jack, taking one. The rest of the nine took a Fanta out of the bucket Lola (the yellow one) was holding.  
  
Sophia (the purple one), Capri (the red one), Lola, and Kiki all sat down in cushioned red armchairs and motioned for the nine to do the same. Since there were no more chairs, they sat on the floor.  
  
Jack pulled out Saving Middle Earth for Dummies.  
  
"Like, oh my gosh! I love that book!" said Lola.  
  
"Like, me too!" said Sophia.  
  
"Er...right. What are we supposed to do now, Jack?" asked William.  
  
"Chapter two is called Asking for Help."  
  
"Well what does it say?"  
  
"It says to ask for help," he replied defiantly.  
  
"What a surprise..." said Julia under her breath.  
  
"Well is is for dummies," said Frodo.  
  
"Point..."  
  
"Let's, like, get to business," said Kiki in a mock-serious tone.  
  
"Okay," said Julia.  
  
"There are, like, two choices," said Capri.  
  
"What are they?" asked Winston.  
  
"Well, you can either drink the purple Fanta and forget about all of this," began Sophia.  
  
"Or drink the red Fanta and see just how deep the rabbit hole really goes..." ended Capri.  
  
"I hate rabbits!" said William.  
  
"Do we have to go down a hole?" asked Pippin.  
  
"It was, like, a metaphor," explained Lola.  
  
"Ohhh," said the group.  
  
"Winston," said Kiki, very seriously, "you are, like, The One."  
  
"The One?" he asked.  
  
"Can I be The Two?" asked Merry.  
  
"No," said Lola. "Winston, have you ever made anything happen? Anything you couldn't explain?"  
  
"Well there was that one time in Germany when my Great Aunt Mildred..."  
  
"That was, like, rhetorical," said Capri, "And why do you think you bear that scar on your forehead?"  
  
"I thought it was from a tricycle accident when I was three... the one that killed my parents."  
  
"No. It was, like, given to you by You-Know-Who..."  
  
"Who?" asked Winston.  
  
"You know who..."  
  
"No I don't...who?"  
  
"I can't say his name..."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because it's, like, really scary!"  
  
"Well can you write it?"  
  
"I can't spell it... I never graduated."  
  
"Figures..."  
  
"She means Voldemort," said Julia.  
  
"Ohh, him," said Winston.  
  
"Like, yeah," said Kiki. "Okay, so get this: There was, like, this, prophecy made right before your birth and you totally won't believe who heard it!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Like, me!"  
  
"You or like you?" asked Winston.  
  
"Shut up, shut up!" she said.  
  
"I didn't say anything..." he said.  
  
"Just forget it," said Julia, "they're hopeless."  
  
"I, like, heard that."  
  
"What did the prophecy say?"  
  
"It went, like, like this:  
  
"The one with the power to vanquish...er...Lord Thing will be born as the seventh month dies. His parents have, like, escaped from him, like...um... a few times. Then he'll give him a scar, marking him his, like, equal...well, almost. He'll have power that You-Know-Who doesn't know about and he'll come back and kick his ass later!"  
  
"Capri made that prediction!" exclaimed Lola.  
  
"Yeah, that makes two total," said Sophia.  
  
"What was the first one?" asked Winston.  
  
"She predicted the rain once," said Kiki.  
  
"Well, actually, it was already raining. It's like I have ESPN or something..." said Capri.  
  
"So that first prediction... what did it mean?"  
  
"It described a boy with the power to kick The Dark Lord's ass!" said Lola.  
  
"And the boy was me?" asked Winston.  
  
"Well, it, like, could have been two boys..." said Capri.  
  
"Who was the other?" asked Winston.  
  
"Frodo Baggins."  
  
"Him?!" asked Winston. "How old is he, five?"  
  
"No!" piped up Frodo as he burst into song, "I am sixteen, going on seventeen. I know that I'm naive. Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet, and willingly, I believe. I am sixteen going on seventeen, innocent as a rose. Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies, what do I know of those?"  
  
"Yeah, he's gay," said Jack.  
  
"So Frodo can kick his ass too?" asked Winston.  
  
"No," said Capri, "He hasn't marked him as his slightly-less-than-equal like he, like, did to you."  
  
"Oh... I have so many questions for you-" began Winston.  
  
"I'm sure you do but we're fresh out of answers. Try again later!" And with a poof of purple, red, orange, and yellow smoke they vanished.  
  
"How do they keep doing that?!" screamed Jack. Julia chucked another book at him called Apparating for Dummies. Jack was speechless.  
  
"How are the rest of us going to fight You-Know-Who, then?" asked Austin.  
  
"Well I, being The One, kicks Voldie's ass. You, being the International Man of Mystery, can kick Dr. Evils ass-"  
  
"What does The Two do?" asked Merry.  
  
"Eats popcorn," replied Winston.  
  
"What if it eats us first?" said Pippin.  
  
"The popcorn?" asked Merry, quite confused.  
  
"I smell paranoia..." said Julia in a sing-song voice.  
  
"No...that giant three-headed dog behind us!"  
  
"Oh, shit," said Julia.  
  
All nine let out an extremely staged simultaneous scream and ran.  
  
A/N- Okay then. If you look for my story again it will all be the same, except it will be in the Harry Potter section instead of 1984. R/R!!!  
  
À suivre... Lulu 


	7. Middle Earth Idol

Alrighty then...  
  
A few minutes ago I was in a very good mood because I got TEN REVIEWS!!! ( ( ( I know that might seem like nothing to all the stories (Like Blind Date: HP Style and HP on FIRE... very good stories by the way.... Go read them. But read mine first.)  
  
But now I am in a very bad mood because I wrote this whole chapter and my computer froze! So now I have to write it AGAIN!!! And now it will all messed up and stuff.  
  
So these are the reasons you should review: This is the SECOND bloody time I've written this chapter. My cat is being mean. My cat will make your cat ((if you have a cat (if not, your dog, rat, parrot, goldfish, monkey, iguana, lion, shark, pet rock, etc.) if you don't have an animal, screw you (not really, I'm just in a bad mood...) )) be mean. ((I know, I'm soo threatening...I'll come up with a better threat for next week)) You are hopefully in a nice mood. It will make me be in a nice mood and then I'll go put nice reviews on your stories and write lots, lots more.  
  
Oh yeah... and these are the things I don't own: 1984 Harry Potter The Lord of the Rings Pirates of the Caribbean Finding Nemo Austin Powers A Knight's Tale Ferris Bueller's Day Off The Wizard of Oz The Wiz The Matrix Mary Poppins The Sound of Music The Fantanas Anything for Dummies Mean Girls My Fair Lady 8 Mile American Idol Something's Got to Give  
  
On with the show!  
  
Chapter Seven ((my favourite number))  
  
The nine ran out of the room and slammed the door behind them.  
  
"That was a close one!" said Jack, panting.  
  
"Did you see it?" asked Julia.  
  
"I can't see anything. It's too dark in here," said Pippin.  
  
"Lumos," muttered Julia.  
  
"You're the cleverest witch of your age," said Pippin, in awe.  
  
"Thank you," replied Julia.  
  
"YOU ARE A WITCH!" said Winston.  
  
"Yeah, I know." He looked at her with disbelief. "But you don't use your eyes, do you? Didn't any of you see what that dog was standing on?"  
  
"Er...no."  
  
"Fine. Then I'm not going to tell you! You'll just have to go back and look!"  
  
"Are you crazy, Julia?"  
  
"Yes. Now go."  
  
And with that, the nine quickly made their way back to the room.  
  
"You know how that saying goes..." said Pippin.  
  
"How?"  
  
"Don't let your head get to big for your hat. As the saying relevant to our situation goes: Curiosity killed the cat."  
  
"Pip, we're not cats."  
  
"Right you are..." said Pippin right as Julia gently pushed the door open.  
  
"WOOF. WOOF."  
  
"AHHHH! RUN!"  
  
And the nine found themselves (yet again) outside the door, panting (apparently running two feet is quite exhausting).  
  
"How do we get past it to see what it was standing on?" asked Sam.  
  
"Why can't you just tell us, Julia?" asked Winston.  
  
"Oh fine. It was standing on a trap door! It was obviously guarding something."  
  
"How do we get past it to see what it's guarding?" asked Sam.  
  
"Let's ask Hagrid!" said William. And the fellowship slowly made their way to his hut (which, for some reason, was on the other side of the Oracle's building). Austin was about to knock when Jack grabbed his wrist.  
  
"Shh! Listen... there's more than one person in there," Jack said, putting his ear to the door.  
  
He heard an older, English, male voice say, "Now Rubeus, repeat after me: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."  
  
"The rayne 'n Spayne folls maynly on the playne," he replied.  
  
"No, no, no! That isn't right at all. Practice tonight, Mr. Hagrid. I must transform you into a pompous Englishman! 'Tis my duty. Good night."  
  
He pushed the door open, knocking Jack onto the ground. He walked away, seeming not to notice them at all. They walked in after he had left.  
  
"Oh, 'ello!" said Hagrid cheerfully.  
  
"Hi," said William.  
  
"Tha' was 'Enry 'Iggins."  
  
"Enry Iggins?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Nice bloke, really... but kind of hopeless."  
  
"Whatever. We have a question. You know that forbidden room over there?" He pointed to the other side of the Atrium. "What's in it?"  
  
"Erm...nothing!" he said.  
  
"Then what's that three-headed dog doing there?" piped up Sam.  
  
"How'd you know 'bout Fluffy?" demanded Hagrid.  
  
"Well, we obviously have been in there! How are people in movies always so clueless?"  
  
Hagrid looked up at the sky and whistled, "Did you say somethin', Sam?"  
  
"No..." he said exasperatedly.  
  
"Well Fluffy's a nice dog. 'E's on'y misunderstood. All you do is play 'im a bit of music and he'll fall righ' asleep!"  
  
"Great!" exclaimed the entire fellowship at once.  
  
"Shoul'n't 'ave said that..." muttered Hagrid.  
  
The nine ran off towards the forbidden room when Pippin asked, "Who's going to play music?"  
  
"Ooo! Ooo! I know!" said Frodo. "We'll have a rap battle!"  
  
"Yeah!" said the rest of the hobbit and Austin.  
  
"Here we go..." said Julia, sitting down.  
  
"First contestant," said Frodo, "Meriadoc Brandybuck!" A red 'Applause' sign lit up. William, Jack, Winston, and Julia applauded halfheartedly.  
  
"Yo! Your style is generic.  
  
Mines authentic made.  
  
I roll like a renegade.  
  
You need clinicaid.  
  
My technique is bizarrenile.  
  
I scar and kill.  
  
You were a star until I served you like a bar and grill.  
  
As I proceed to cook and grill ya.  
  
That's all that took to kill ya."  
  
"How is that relevant?" asked Julia, seeming annoyed.  
  
"It's not."  
  
"Next contestant," bellowed Frodo, "Peregrin Took!" The applause sign lit up with almost no applause (except from Austin).  
  
"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy ,  
  
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti,  
  
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready,  
  
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin',  
  
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud,  
  
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out,  
  
He's chokin', how everybody's jokin' now,  
  
The clock's run out, time's up over, blouww!"  
  
"Is blouww even a word?" retorted Julia.  
  
"What are you? Simon Cowell?"  
  
"No. I'm Simon Cowell," said Simon as he walked out of thin air to an annoyed look from Jack who was halfway through Apparating for Dummies. "And these are Randy and Paula. I totally agree with Julia. It was dreadful."  
  
"Thank you so much!"  
  
"That was an insult."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Paula said, "Well, I didn't think it was that bad. Maybe tonight just isn't your night."  
  
"Yeah, dawg," said Randy. "I wasn't feelin' that. I don't really think you were connecting with the audience."  
  
"Oh. Well you don't know talent!" said Pippin with a tear, stomping off stage.  
  
"And our next contestant," said Frodo, "Austin Powers!"  
  
"Yeah, baby! Yeah!" he said, walking on the 'stage'. He began to rap, "I like big butts and I can not lie,  
  
You other brothers can't deny,  
  
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste,  
  
And a round thing in your face,  
  
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough,  
  
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed,  
  
Deep in the jeans she's wearing,  
  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring,  
  
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha ,  
  
And take your picture,  
  
My homeboys tried to warn me,  
  
But with that butt you got makes me-"  
  
"That's enough, Austin!" exclaimed Julia.  
  
"That was brilliant," said Simon.  
  
"I just loved it," said Paula.  
  
"Dawg, you got it tonight!" said Randy.  
  
Frodo noticed the murderous look in Julia's eyes and said, "Baggins. Out." Then he hurried off 'stage'.  
  
"Rap isn't even music!" Julia said. "Honestly! How many words rhyme with bitch?"  
  
"Rap ain't no music," began Randy. "Rap is an art."  
  
"Yeah," said Pippin. "You just hate me because I'm black!"  
  
"Am I missing something here? Does anyone have some real music?" she asked.  
  
"I do!" said Frodo. He pulled out a kazoo.  
  
"Brilliant!" said Julia. "Let's go."  
  
A/N- Please, please, please! I beg of you! REVIEW! Please? Make me happy? It won't hurt you. Go on. Click that little gray button in the bottom left- hand corner. What harm can it do? Potential reviewer's computer blows up as they click the button ....heh heh....almost no harm...  
  
À suivre...Lulu 


	8. Gandumbliwon

Wow. It's been forever! When I started this lovely masterpiece (hehe) I swore to myself

I wouldn't be one of those losers that gets a story going and leaves fans (I have about two total) waiting for like… years. But it hasn't been a year yet… okay so it has, but we can overlook that. The point is I'm back for more of this ridiculousness, and…

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

Okay, so I'll parody everything else… but not football… not yet anyways… there's just some things you can't mess with… like the NFL, the MLL, and me ; ) … and speaking of football, what an amazing season from my Pittsburgh Stillers... can I get a hoo-rah!

Alright so my first disclaimer in almost a year:

(Note: I've done enough with the movies and the books... I'm starting to run out of super-famous ones that we all know about... you can tell me any other ones you think I should add… but my new task is tackling the TV shows… oh this will be fun)

Anyways, I do not own the following:

1984

Harry Potter

The Lord of the Rings

Pirates of the Caribbean

Finding Nemo

Austin Powers

A Knight's Tale

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

The Wizard of Oz

The Wiz

The Matrix

Mary Poppins

The Sound of Music

The Fantanas… all FIVE of them

Anything for Dummies

Mean Girls

My Fair Lady

8 Mile

American Idol

Something's Got to Give (I don't know where I've ever used that… do any of you?)

Star Wars

Friends

House

CSI

24

or any of the other multitudes of books, movies, or TV shows I feel like making fun of…

So on to my little chronicle:

Chapter Eight:

Austin stepped forward and pushed open the door. Frodo, who was waiting with his kazoo, began to play. Fluffy staggered and fell, leaving the trap door unattended.

"Alright," said Frodo. "Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?"

"Wrong movie," said Austin. "There's nothing wrong with this dark creepy tunnel… it's perfectly safe!" And he jumped down. "It's okay, baby! Come on down."

The other eight followed suit and fell onto the soft, muddy floor below. "What now, mate?" Jack asked.

"Dunno," replied Winston.

"Woah… wait!" exclaimed Julia, picking up a dusty piece of parchment and blowing the years of filth off. "These must be instructions… It reads:

Dearest Heroes,

It is high time you are reading this! It is in your best interest to follow the instructions in this letter most carefully, for they will help you achieve your goal of saving Middle-Earth. But first, you must rescue me. I am being held captive by the evil forces of You-Know-Who. It will be difficult, but possible, to rescue me. You must work together to overcome the tasks before you. If you feel that you are ready, proceed through the door ahead of you. The best of luck to you!

Yours truly,

Gandumbliwon

None of them spoke for several minutes. "Do any of you know a Gandumbliwon?" asked Winston.

"I know a Merlin," responded William.

"I've heard of Dumbledore," said Julia.

"And we know a Gandalf," added Frodo.

Austin glared at them. "So what, baby? This says Gandumbliwon." He pulled out his book and flipped it open to the pockmarked page. "Chapter Three," he read aloud, "'Saving Gandumbliwon. You must survive a series of tasks guarding the last member of your group.'"

"Well that settles it… we must save him!" said Winston. "On the count of three we go…ONE…TWO-"

BOOM!

There was the door, hanging off its hinges, with William standing net to it with a lance. "Sorry, all. I've really been wanting to do that…"

"It's fine," Julia assured him, "let's go now."

The nine proceeded into the next room but were surprised when the entered. It was empty. Completely and utterly empty.

"Helloo," whispered Pippin.

_Hello, hello, hello… _came his echo. "I guess there's no one in here."

"Maybe someone's already been through here?" suggested Frodo.

"Perhaps," Julia responded.

Out of nowhere, a soft, male voice began to speak. It was calling for help. "Where's that coming from?" asked Jack, stumbling and looking around.

"Look, baby! Down there!" Austin was pointing to the far corner of the room where there was a shadow on the ground.

"Shall we?" asked Jack. They nodded, and began to move towards the unknown.

A/N- Alright… sorry if it's bad… I'm gonna try to write a lot more in the next week (daily if possible… and much longer chappies). My goal is 30 reviews… because I'm just awesome like that.

And also- you might have noticed that I removed 'One Week.' To be quite frank, it sucked. (This one kindof does too, and there's a better one in the works, I promise). I did have a grande plan for 'One Week' though… I've just forgotten it. Oh well.

À suivre… Lulu


	9. Fake Hands A Plenty

A/N- I have decided that I'm going to take a walk on the wild side from now on and not use a disclaimer crowd gasps… yes, I know. Actually… I don't think I'd mind getting arrested for something that stupid. And disclaimers are annoying (especially one's that disclaim about fifty different things.

A/N- And on a truly sad note, my family down in Louisiana has been devastated by the hurricane. We have to drive down on Fri. to take their kids up here and help start rebuilding their home. It will be very sad and I won't be updating during that time… so I'll update as much as possible before the trip.

Chapter Nine:

"Help," groaned the mysterious figure as the nine approached. As they neared him, they saw that he was wearing a long, very-worn beige robe… complete with hood. Julia slowly removed the hood. Underneath it was the face of a young and handsome man. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. However, it appeared as if nothing was wrong with him. He was perfectly clean and seemed healthy enough.

"What's the matter?" Merry asked bluntly. He immediately wished he hadn't. The man held up his hand, or lack thereof. The hobbits gasped.

"Who did this to you?" demanded Winston.

"Was it Lord Voldemort?" suggested Julia.

"Or Dr. Evil?" added Austin.

"It was," he choked, "Darth Vader." The nine looked at him with disbelief.

"Darth what?" asked Frodo.

"Yeah… Vader who?"

"The most evil person of all time!" replied the man.

"Okay, let me get this straight. The most evil person of all time is fighting with you… he manages to cut off your hand… you are laying here, weak and vulnerable… and he leaves? This is the worst evil person I've ever heard of!" exclaimed Jack.

"But you _have_ heard of him," said the man.

"No I haven't! What's a Darth anyways?"

"It's the title of a Sith Lord… a Jedi gone wrong."

"In English, please baby!" said Austin.

"It means he's evil… and he has a sword that lights up…" croaked the man on the ground.

"Okay then," began Julia. "But who are you and what are you doing here?"

"My name is Luke Skywalker. I came here to stop Darth Vader from finding Gandumbliwon."

"That's who we're trying to find as well!" piped up Pippin.

"Then," Luke said, attempting to stand up, "I will have to kill you." With that, he pulled out a metal pipe, and almost instantly, a green beam of light protruded from it. "I can't let you hurt Gandumbliwon. He's our only hope!"

"No!" shouted William. "We're not here to hurt him. We want to find him to try and _save_ Middle Earth. You see, this is Winston. He is The One, and destined to kick some Voldie ass. And this is Austin Powers-" Austin cleared his throat very loudly. "Sorry- Austin _Danger_ powers, who is destined to kick Doctor Evil's ass!"

"Don't forget The Two!" added Merry.

"Right," continued William, "The Two. He sits around and eats popcorn."

"Oh," said Luke, putting his light saber out, "then perhaps you could help me." He gestured towards his hand.

"How can we help with that, mate?" asked Jack.

"Oh… there are fake hands a-plenty where I come from. They're right over there." He pointed to a box filled with shiny silver objects labeled 'Fake Hands.'

"_Accio_," said Julia, and a hand came flying over. "I'll help quicken this up a bit." And with a wave of her wand, the hand attached itself to Luke's arm.

"You really are the cleverest witch of your age, Julia," Winston declared.

"I'm not a witch," she replied.

"Yes. You. Are."

"Oh… right then. I just got so used to saying it."

"I see."

"So… what now?" inquired William.

"We stop Darth Vader!" said Luke purposefully.

"Then let's go!" And the ten proceeded to room number two…


	10. The Gellar Cup

A/N- Here's another. I got bored.

Chapter Ten:

Frodo opened the door to the next challenge. As soon as all ten of them filed into the room, the door slammed shut behind them and music filled their ears.

_So no one told you life was gonna be this way…the jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A. …it's like you're always stuck in second gear…and when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, even your year…I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall…I'll be there for you, like I've been there before…I'll be there for you-_

"I'll be there for you too," sang Pippin to finish the song. The other nine stared at him for a few minutes. "What? It was catchy!"

"Ah yes… I love that song," said a voice from behind them. The ten jumped, then turned around slowly.

"Who are you?" asked Jack.

"I'm Joey. Duh." When he saw no spark of recognition from any of them, he continued, "From DOOL… Days of our Lives… you know, the Soap Opera?" Crickets chirped in the background.

Julia broke the silence, "And who are all these people?"

"These are Rachel, Phoebe, Monica, Ross, and Chandler. I can't believe you don't know who we are. The last guy who came through here was a huge fan!"

"Darth Vader?"

"Yeah, him!" said Rachel. "He even had 'Friends' boxers on…"

"That was a scarring experience," Phoebe added.

"Darth Vader wears 'Friends' boxers?"

"Guess so…"

"So," said Winston, cutting to the chase, "what's the obstacle here?"

"Obstacle?" asked Ross. "What do you mean?"

"In Gandumbliwon's instructions, it said we would face obstacles to get to him… what do we have to do here?"

"I'm not really sure," responded Chandler.

Monica's hand shot into the air. "I KNOW!" she yelled. "A Gellar family tradition…"

Ross looked at her in disbelief. "But it isn't even Thanksgiving! We can't… we couldn't…"

"Oh yes we could. You five are on my team… and the tall one's are on the other team."

"What about us?" demanded Pippin.

"Go wide," said Ross.

"Oh, come on, let's get a hot pretzel," said Rachel, leading the hobbits away.

"Excuse me," said Jack, "but what are we doing, love?"

"Touch football!" exclaimed Monica. "Winner takes… drum roll please… the GELLAR CUP!" Ross looked at it in awe. Everyone else looked bewildered and confused.

"Okay, let's go!" said Monica, pulling out a ball.

The five friends began throwing it around, moving down the field. The six others stood still, not knowing what to do. How were they supposed to win a game they had never heard of? Winston thought he saw a tear fall from Julia's eye.

At that moment, they heard a scream come from the other end of the room. The six looked over. There were Monica and Ross, both holding on to the ball. "It was my touchdown!" shouted Monica.

"I was holding the ball!" exclaimed Ross. "It's my touchdown!"

"No! It! Wasn't!"

"Yes! It! Was!"

"Why does it matter?" asked Phoebe, "You're both on the same team?"

"Because I need it for my scorebook- diary, I mean diary!"

"Could you _be _any weirder?" said Chandler.

Meanwhile, the other six were making their way towards the door. "I wonder if we can just open it?" asked Winston.

"I don't know," whispered Julia, "Let's try." Winston pushed the door open. They all gaped at it. How could it be _that_ easy? After exchanging uneasy looks, they proceeded to the next room. They could still hear the five friends arguing as the door slammed shut behind them…


	11. House Room

A/N- Wow. And yet another year has passed. Figures.

So yeah, disclaimer and all that… you know how I do.

On with the ridiculousness…

Chapter Eleven:

The room was white. Pure white with an unnatural, eerie glow to it. It was a sight extremely strange to the entire fellowship, which now consisted of ten: two men, one woman, four hobbits, one knight, one jedi knight, and one pirate.

They all stared in awe at their new surroundings. Everything was so clean. Two men and one woman were standing over a man sleeping on a table.

"What is this place?" whispered Pippin. Ten pairs of eyes slowly drifted from the tall black man to the shorted blonde man at his side to the beautiful woman facing them. Then to the platter of meticulously cleaned, extremely sharp-looking, silver tools. That was the challenge. As the three people dressed in matching blue uniforms pulled white masks over their mouths and noses, the ten prepared for the worst.

As the blonde man began to reach for a silver instrument, Luke unsheathed a blue light saber, Austin pulled out a small revolver, William threatened with his lance, and Jack held up a large bottle of rum.

The hobbits each hid behind one of the weapon-holding tall people, leaving Winston and Julia looking rather defenseless. They braced themselves for what they knew had to be coming.

Then something entirely unexpected happened. So unexpected was this unexpectable thing that it caught everyone completely off guard. In fact, the unexpectedness of the thing that was so completely unexpectable was, well… quite shocking. The shockingly unexpected surprise that caught every one of them off guard was, of course, very frightening. While anything extremely surprisingly unexpectably shocking happens it is bound to frighten, but this particular incidence of surprisingly shocking unexpectability was unusually frightening.

It was a ball.

One little red and beige, fuzzy, dog-fetching-type ball bounced in out of nowhere. Responding to the unknown threat this little coloured sphere could pose, the four holding some means of defense seized the opportunity. The result of such seizing was a half of a rubber ball, light-saberly toasted on one side, with both a lance and a bullet piercing it, soaked in rum.

"Hey!" exclaimed a male voice from behind them. "That was my favourite ball."

The hobbits, who had believe they were in a safe place behind their less-vertically-challenged companions, turned, cowering, to face the man this voice belonged to.

He was an average-looking, rather scraggly, middle-aged man wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a stethoscope. At his side was a shiny wooden cane.

"HOUSE!" exclaimed the black man.

"Excuse me, sir," began Merry, "but it appears that we aren't in a house, but a room."

"Yes," continued Frodo, "I used to have quite a nice house back in the Shire."

"Oh what a beauty it was," reminisced Sam.

Pippin closed with a solemn, "Wiggity wack."

"How old are you people, ten?" asked the ball man.

"No!" they exclaimed in unison. "We are sixteen, going on seventeen, we know that we're naïve. Fellows we meet may-"

"And they're gay too!"

"House, that is enough!" said the other man in a very sexy Australian accent.

"Hey Chase, they're ten years old and gay. Exactly your type." The blonde man scoffed and turned back to the man sleeping on the table.

"Wait… your name is House… and your name is Chase?" asked Julia.

"Perhaps."

"Why does everyone in this story have such bizarre names?"

House pondered for a moment. "To make it more tacky and confusing."

"Right."

All of the sudden, the blonde, Australian man picked up one of the shiny silver tools and pointed it at a yellow patch on the sleeping man's skin.

"Chase! What are you doing?" asked the woman.

"Cameron, we have to do this!"

"We can't. They're here. It's not sterile."

"No, we have to. He has cancer!"

Suddenly Winston understood. They were going to murder this man because he had the 'cancer'. "No," he whispered to Julia. "We can't let them do it."

"You're right," she whispered back. Then she spoke up to the entire room. "You know what you're doing is wrong. Just because this man is different doesn't give you the right to kill him. What if you had the cancer? Huh? Does that mean we could kill you?"

"Well…" began Chase in a sadder tone, "My dad had cancer."

"I bet you have the cancer now!" exclaimed Pippin. "You're just killing this man to make it look like he had the cancer. You don't think we think that you have the cancer. But listen here, mister- I think it's time for you to think that we think that you think that we think you have the cancer!"

"…What?" murmured the three people dressed in blue with looks of bewilderment.

"That's it!" said Jack. "He has the cancer. Kill them!"

Not missing a beat, Luke stepped forward and decapitated both men standing over the sleeping man they said had the cancer.

"Cool," muttered House with a grin.

Luke was about to give the woman the same fate as her colleagues, when Austin screamed, "No, baby! Don't kill that shagadelic babe!" But it was too late. Luke had already swung his light saber down at the woman. Fortunately, the distraction provided by Austin gave Cameron enough time to almost dodge the strike. Unfortunately, she no longer had a hand. The poor, innocent woman began to go into hysterics.

"No, no," said Luke, attempting to comfort the girl he had just tried to kill. "Go back through that door. There's fake hands a-plenty!" With that, the "shagadelic babe" and House walked back to the previous room to sounds of "It was my touchdown!", "No it wasn't!", and the giggles of a now large crowd surrounding the Gellars.

As the door slammed behind them, the ten companions looked around, again bewildered. These "tasks" were not remotely difficult. Not even at all. If anything, they seemed like a foolish waste of time.

"What's going on?" asked Winston. "How is any of this necessary? We're losing valuable saving-Middle-Earth time here!"

"We have to!" said Austin. "It says so!"

"What says so?" demanded Sam. Austin gestured to Jack, who had taken up residence in the corner with his book, _Saving Middle Earth for Dummies_. Jack looked up at the nine. "Hello, love," he said, "Don't you worry. It says we're almost there." The travelers let out a sigh of relief.

"So what's the cancer, anyways?" asked Frodo.

"Well," began Luke.

"Er…" started Jack.

"Umm," said Winston.

"I don't really know, baby," Austin finished. "Maybe if we're lucky, we'll find it."

"Yes," continued Julia. "What does this unbelievably attractive blonde man have that the other two don't?"

William began prodding the headless Australian with his lance. "Aha!" he exclaimed after a brief search of all three men. "It all makes sense now." He pulled from underneath the blonde man's pants a small, pink, lace thong. "He wore it underneath his pantaloons to keep it hidden. Look-" he pulled up the sheet covering the sleeping man to reveal nothing but skin where there should have been some form of underpant- "he's not wearing anything there! He must have stolen this magical article from the poor sleeping man."

"Yes," said Jack with the look of a pirate who had just found buried treasure, "The Cancer…"

The group looked back at him and with a sense of conformation replied, "The Cancer!"

Jack, as some kind of sign of respect or reverence to The One, removed the panties from William's lance and placed them on Winston's head. "Thank you," he replied.

A now bolder Winston stepped ahead and led the way through the next door.

A/N- Please god review this. It will take take onlytwo littleseconds of your life, but it will make me very, very happy because it will make me feel like I type not in vain. Pleassseeee!

kthnxbye!


	12. Jack Bauer Boxers

A/N- Woo! One review pour moi!

Please keep 'em coming, it is my favourite thing in the world. And please, any suggestions you may have for parodizing (I promise I'll get around to the X-Files, but I've actually never seen them so I'll have to do a bit of research before I can attempt to include that- but I will include it, I promise!).

Chapter Twelve:

It was as if they had stepped into a war zone. Which is somewhat ironic because apparently Middle Earth was at war, and the condition of Middle Earth didn't even come close to resembling the warriness of this war.

There were bombs exploding every which way and cars on fire in the streets. There were earthquakes and people lying dead on the sidewalk. This seemed like it might actually turn out to be a legitimately challenging task. Panty-headed Winston smiled at the prospect of, for the first time in this story, actually doing something productive.

His first thought was to knock on the nearest door and ask what was going on. So he did.

"Hello, ma'am. My name is Winston Smith and this is the fellowship of my wedding ring."

"Oh, hello sir," said a Middle Eastern woman.

"If I may ask," he continued, "what on Middle Earth is going on outside?"

"What is going on outside?" she replied softly in a heavy accent.

"Why, that's what I was asking you!"

"Asking me about what?"

"Oh nevermind!" retorted Winston, pulling the door closed. The ten trooped off to the next house where an elderly fellow with salt-and-pepper hair and a thin mustache answered the door.

"Why, hello there!" said the old man with a grin.

"Hello, good sir. My name is Winston Smith and this is the fellowship of my wedding ring."

"I'm Senator Reines. Pleased to make your acquaintance," he whispered as he held out his hand.

"Senator?" asked Luke. "You mean to tell me that you are a member of the intergalactic Senate?"

"Someone's been watching a little bit too much Star Wars…" replied the Senator with a chuckle. "No, sir! I am a proud member of the United States Senate."

"So do you have any idea what is happening outside?"

"I'm afraid that information is classified," he said, grimly closing the door.

"That just means he doesn't know," said Jack.

"Hmm…" pondered Austin. "There are explosions everywhere, cars on fire, and the Americans have no idea what's going on. This can only mean one of two things: We are either in the middle of the Hajj or the World Cup."

"Don't be silly," retorted Sam. "We're not even in the years that have an A.D. after them; Mohammad (PBUH) hasn't been born yet, and football won't be invented for thousands of years."

"Damn," said Julia. "Well, let's carry on." She approached the next house and knocked on the door. The ten caught a glimpse of a dark man in his mid-twenties wearing a turban.

They heard his muffled voice from inside. "Father, there are many people outside."

"Are they white people?"

"I believe so, mother."

"Ach! They must be politicians. Do not let them in."

The companions exchanged confused looks with each other. "Oh well," said William. "Fourth time's the charm." And he knocked on the fourth door down.

After what seemed like five minutes of a million different locks being undone, a short black man opened the door. "Hello," he said in a very hushed voice. "My name is-"

"No!" screamed Austin. "No time for formalities, baby! Where are we?"

"I cannot tell you that."

"Where are we!"

"That is classified information."

"I have had enough of this! WHERE ARE WE?"

"Damn. I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. I have to answer. You are in Fox's 24. Basically, the plot of this show is everything blows up. And everyone is either a secret super-agent, a Muslim extremist, or a conniving politician. And whenever you talk, you have to act like what you're saying is an extremely important secret that you would die to protect. Here, watch- I'll show you." He looked left and right and up and down a few times, checked the time, did a couple of jumping jacks and a somersault- "To throw the terrorists off," he added- pretended to listen to a message via earpiece, pressed a button on his wall as if he were doing something of importance, and finally said, in a voice that was barely audible, "Pass the salt."

"Oh, I see!" whispered Frodo. "Can I be one of the secret super-agents?"

"I thought you were The Two?" asked Pippin.

"No, _I'm_ the two!" Merry replied crossly.

"I don't know, Mr. Baggins" answered the man who somehow mysteriously knew Frodo's name which miraculously made this little segue more easy to understand now that you know which hobbit he is addressing. "You'll have to clear it with Jack Bauer."

"JACK BAUER?" screamed Frodo, abandoning his 24esqueness. "Oh my god!"

In unison, all the hobbits pulled down their trousers, revealing hot pink boxers with a picture of Keifer Sutherland holding a gun on the back.

"What the…?" began Winston.

"Aye," said Pippin. "All hobbits in the Shire wear Jack Bauer boxers.

"Wiggity wack," followed Sam as the other two nodded.

"Yes, love," continued Jack, "You know, all pirates wear them too." He pulled his pants down to reveal the same hot pink boxers.

"So do we British secret agents!"

"And medieval knights!"

"And jedi!"

Winston and Julia were at a loss for words. "I… uh… well…" started Julia. "You know… they say it… er… takes a real man to wear pink…"

"Like Jack Bauer!" exclaimed their Bauer-boxer-clad comrades.

"Sure…" said Winston.

"Well at least they're not on our head!" retorted William.

"But it's The Cancer!"

"I don't care what it is, baby," Austin replied.

"It looks stupid, love," finished Jack.

"Fine!" yelled Winston as he pulled them off and stuffed them in his fanny pack (which he has had the entire time). "You know, you put them there though."

"Yes, but I thought you'd realise how incredibly ridiculous you looked wearing a thong around on your head and remove it."

"I… uh…. was going to. I was just seeing… um… how long you would… er… not say anything. Pssh, you didn't even last ten minutes. You're the worst player of the…um… panties on my head… er… game… thing… I've ever head of."

"But you _have _heard of me."

"Oh, let's just get out of here before we get blown up!" said Julia.

"I'm in!"

"Good idea."

"Let's go!"

The only problem is… this time there was no door. It seemed they had just entered another world, and they needed to find a way out.

A/N- I don't care if you liked it, hated it, whatever. Please, please, pleaaasssee leave me a review. Really, it would make me so very happy and would inspire me to write many, many chapters instead of studying for my biology exams I have coming up.

Thank you (for even putting up with 12 chapters of my insanity).

And anyways-

If you don't review me… I will haunt your dreams. You will never sleep from the guilt not your non-review will cast out into the world. All the puppies and bunny rabbits will die.

Please… think of the bunnies!

-lulu


	13. This is not a chapter

Sorry, folks! I bet when you saw the title "This is not a chapter," you thought it must have been some clever trick or play on words and there actually was a fresh new chapter waiting here for you.

You were, if you for some reason hadn't come to this obvious conclusion, wrong. But it's alright, I'm sure you're used to it.

Anyhow, I thought this might be a nifty little place to post that I have to go to SCHOOL from July 16 to August 3. Isn't that a bummer?

The point of telling you that is to let you know the reason for my impending lack of updates (which actually seems kind of silly seeing as I went over a year without updating… twice). But I have (at least for the next month or two) changed my ways and plan to write one more chapter for every (kind) review I get.

So if you (for some godforsaken reason) liked my little story, please leave me lots of happy and wonderful reviews to brighten my day when I return from the Class of Doom.

Like I said, for every one I receive, I will write a nice long chapter and will include whatever you so desire.

But don't hang up just yet!

I thought it would be a nice idea, as some sort of very weak collateral, to give you a preview of coming attractions. So if you see something you like or don't, tell me!

Scenes from next month's all new episodes of: A Parody to End All Parodies…

-We will finally meet Gandumbliwon. Alias: Johnny Smith. (Thank you, The Dead Zone!)

-Things will heat up between Julia and one of the nine male protagonists… but who? (Thank you, All Soap Operas!)

-While drilling for oil to avoid the rising cost of gas prices, the fellowship will be asked to travel though Middle Outer Space to blow up an asteroid and thwart God's intended Armageddon. (Thank you, Armageddon)

-God is not happy. (Thank you, The Bible! Ha ha, just kidding. But seriously.)

-Neither are a lot of other people- some of which _will_ come from the X-Files once I have any idea what that is about. (Thank you, Emma!)

-Anything you kind people tell me because without you, I am a very sad little person writing meaningless nonsense for no one. And that is not a good thought for me to be thinking now, is it? No, I didn't think so! (Thank you, Anyone Who Wants To Have Their Name, Affiliation, Or Favourite Book/Movie/TVSeries In My Story!)

Alright. For all intensive purposes, that is all I have to say.

Yours truly,

Lulu


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